"Hello; Macomb County Health Department, Luisa speaking."

"Hello, this is Gordon McFakename. I'm just callin' because I got somethin' to tell all y'all city folk that I think could turn out to be valuable to ya."

"What would that be, sir?"

"Well, I am an old man. Lived out in Hicksville Township all my life and over the years, I've picked up on a few things regardin' the agin' pro-cess. Namely, I believe that fruits, especially grapes, should not under any circumstances be eaten."

"I am intrigued."

"You see, every time you eat a grape, the seeds get stuck insidea' ya, and they grow."

"Huh. How do they get any sunlight in there?"

"Will you let me finish my story?! I am tryin' to help you. Every time you open your God dang mouth you're lettin' sunlight in; don't be stupid."

"Ah, I apologise. Do go on, sir."

"I planned to. Anyway, grapes grow inta vines and the vines wrap all 'round yer insides, cuttin' off circulation. You're smart; you know that if you cut circulation offa somethin', it stops workin' right. First, they start cuttin' off bone circulation. Takes years, a'course, but it don't stop there! They start cuttin' the circulation offa every part of ya, one by one, and finally they come to the head. That's where the real trouble starts. The vines wrap around yer hair follicles, yer eyes, yer ears, yer vocal cords... Then they wrap around yer brain. You ever know someone with, uh... dementia?"

"Yes, sir."

"That's what it is. It's all vines wrappin' round the brain, and nothin' more. Whenever anyone says you can chalk somethin' up to 'old age'... I don't buy it. You shouldn't, either. It's grape vines. The longer they've had to grow, the farther they reach and the tighter they can wrap."

"Well. That's... fascinating."

"And ya ever notice how the Japanese always look so young? They've got the highest life expectancy on the planet and it's no coincidence."

"Oh?"

"Y'ever see a Chinaman eat any fruit?"

"Um. Well... What were you saying about the other fruits? What do the ones without vines do to you?"

"Well, they don't affect ya so much. Fruits that grow on trees turn inta trees, of course. They just grow along your insides and make 'em stiff. When yer neck gets stiff, there's usually just a tree growin' there. You just have to massage it and it falls away and gets digested."

"Interesting! Look, I have to go, but thank you very much for calling."

"Wait! Before you hang up, I want you t'promise me somethin'."

"Yes?"

"Promise me that ya won't keep this to yerself. I won't stand for any more good people growin' old just for eatin' fruit. Spread the word and whatnot, all right?"

"Will do, sir."

"All right. God bless."

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